Terry Crews Can’t Save ‘Tales Of The Walking Dead’ From This Terrible Script

There is a version of tonight’s episode of Tales Of The Walking Dead that I might have actually enjoyed. Perhaps in some other alternative universe where the episode’s writers were just a tiny bit more talented. A version in which the story of Joe (Terry Crews) and Evie (Olivia Munn) was one worth telling.

But this story? I can only shake my head and wonder how it was ever greenlit in the first place. Don’t get me wrong—it had its moments. But those good moments only help underscore what a waste the rest of the episode ended up being. In the spirit of optimism, let’s start with . . .

The Good

Perhaps it’s Terry Crews himself that made this episode enjoyable at times. He is an incredibly likeable human being; a great big teddy bear of a man who looks more like a hugger than a fighter, though I wouldn’t have minded if he’d gotten a few more excuses to show off his brute strength.

Terry’s likeable, affable nature carries over to all his characters, and so I felt very much as though I was watching Terry of Brooklyn Nine-Nine in tonight’s episode rather than some bunker-dweller named Joe. I jokingly remarked that the entire episode would have been much more entertaining if they’d cast Joe Lo Truglio (who plays Charles Boyle on 99) instead of Olivia Munn and made this more of a buddy cop episode.

I stand by that remark. Nothing against Olivia Munn, but her character was pretty flat and uninteresting and having a more comedic duo would have made this episode a lot more fun.

I also enjoyed the serial killer bunker lady, Sandra (Kersti Bryan). It’s a fun spin on the whole ‘be careful who you decide to meet online’ thing, and it was a cool crazy moment with some good action and some good laughs. It’s just, well, I’m sorry but this isn’t how pot brownies work.

The Goofy

Sandra gives Joe a big old pot brownie when he shows up (cannabis is referenced throughout the episode, I assume as some bizarre attempt to court younger viewers or something) and pretty soon he’s basically drugged out of his mind.

Now don’t get me wrong, a strong pot brownie can get you very, very blazed. But being high on pot isn’t the same as being dosed up on heavy narcotics. It doesn’t prevent your limbs from functioning. You don’t see or hear things all blurry and out of focus. Joe is basically ready for surgery by the time he’s halfway through his brownie and I’m sorry, boys and girls, but that’s just not how it is.

It also doesn’t kick in that fast. Eating Mary Jane is not the same as smoking it. It takes a lot longer to get into your system, and then it hits you more gradually. It can be a much stronger high, but you probably won’t feel it for the better part of an hour. And again, even when you do and even if you’re super stoned, you’re not going to be totally at the mercy of a small woman when you’re the same size as Terry Crews. It’s not even remotely realistic or plausible.

But I guess in the writer’s room at Walking Dead HQ that’s how everyone thinks pot brownies work. So we have to watch as Joe is pretty easily incapacitated by Sandra, who then attempts to do the same thing to Evie when she shows up. But Evie is an experienced pot ‘connoisseur’ and she notices the strong taste of cannabis in her brownie (which, I mean, it’s very obvious!) and you can’t fool Evie!

Evie is also a ninja and she knows that Sandra has been lying this whole time! Kick to the face! But we know that won’t be enough, and as she tries to free Joe Sandra comes running and Joe grabs a nearby clever and throws it right into her chest, downing the psycho in one fell swoop.

Okay, I liked that part also. But then they leave the well-stocked and fortified bunker instead of, I dunno, taking advantage of the safety and bounty it provides. For . . . reasons?

The Bad

The really egregious stuff in this episode of Tales Of The Walking Dead was all the corny dialogue. There was just so much unbearably cheesy conversation we had to sit through between Evie and Joe I had to try not to throw up in my mouth.

Same with the voice-overs when Joe is reading through the printed off chat logs that he and Sandra apparently had with one another about their bunkers before the zombie apocalypse began. I think the red flags maybe should have started popping up for Joe when she showed so much interest in him one month after her husband died.

Also they killed Gilligan, the dog, basically right away. And that’s just a cheap shot and a low blow all wrapped up in one.

Ultimately, this was an episode with virtually no stakes, almost no tension, and a scene in which Joe leaves his motorcycle running for no reason while Evie calls him into the warehouse they were staying in for no reason. She wants to show him something in the chat logs that she found, but could have done so just as easily outside. But no, the bike gets stolen. Which, honestly, makes no difference to the plot. They get where they’re going on foot in the exact same amount of screen time it would have taken on the bike.

Oh, and did he fix those flat tires and I missed it?

Anyways, there was a baby goat and that’s cool. I like to think it made its way from the Lumen offices over on that far, far superior TV show Severance. Goats are cool. I liked the goat. But this episode was a real head-scratcher. Why did it need to be made? How does it further the story of The Walking Dead in any meaningful way? What was the point?

They should have picked a flavor and rolled with it. Instead, we were left with an episode that didn’t have any clue as to what it wanted to be. Roadtrip buddy story? Comedy? Serial killer thriller? Sappy inspirational pablum? A grab bag of all these fractured, half-baked (heh) ideas rolled into a Frankenstein’s monster with no narrative substance and only the charm of Terry Crews to sustain it.

Do not recommend. Hopefully the rest of these anthological episodes are better because this was a swing and a miss, though I guess I should be using American football metaphors instead of baseball. Oh well. What did you think?

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I’m off to watch the Season 4 finale of Westworld now. At least I know that will be competently crafted by people who know their way around a script.