Ways Hollywood Can Solve The Climate Crisis

A recent story appeared describing a startup that wanted to reduce movies’ carbon footprint, and while I’m all for the idea, I think it should go beyond just having people ride the train to ceremonies like the Goya Awards recently held in Spain with meals consisting of lower-carbon intensive chicken and fish.

Hollywood has of course done its part to educate the public about global warming, with numerous movie plots involving evil oil companies destroying some or all of the planet, to say nothing of Marvel’s Thanos encouraging population control albeit in his own way and Bond Villain Scaramanga trying to deprive the world of solar power. Then there’s the “Walking Dead” series whose primary characters eschew oil-fired vehicles for, well, walking. Zero carbon, although rotting flesh presumably results in some presumably unsavory greenhouse gas emissions.

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On the other hand, one of the top grossing pictures this summer was “Top Gun,” which starred a variety of carbon-heavy characters such as F-18s and P-51s. (Rumor has it that some humans appeared in the movie as well.) Given that using a jet’s afterburner triples a plane’s fuel consumption, which for an F-18 Hornet is something like 1,000 gallons an hour, future dogfights need to be constrained. Ideally, a speed limit of 55 mph could be observed, and perhaps the next sequel “Top Gun: Not as Maverick” will feature combat between bumper cars.

And while Westerns (what we called ‘cowboy movies’ back in the dark ages) rarely feature petroleum use, the metals and materials incorporated into six-shooters are certainly energy intensive. They should be replaced with SuperShooter water guns or, in arid climates, Nerf guns. Oh, and cattle should be replaced with emus and other more eco-friendly animals. Just having big tough criminals attempting to rustle emus would be worth the price of emission.

Movies about archaic battles often feature luring the enemy onto an oil-soaked patch of ground which is then ignited. In the future, all such should involve plant-based oils. And instead of energy-intensive steel swords, duelers could wield pool noodles. The next Robin Hood movie (and you know there will be one) will have his merry gang planting trees to combat the Sheriff of Nottingham’s reliance on roaring fires in his drafty castle.

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The portrayal of food in films should be changed to reflect a reduced carbon footprint. Thanksgiving dinners must have a tofurky main dish, the Irish should eat corn-beef and chia, and characters in stories based on the Southwest must forego burritos in favor of po’ boys (preferably responsibly sourced oysters). Alternatively, they can be shown consuming Beano, the anti-gas medicine, before the meal.

The Fast and the Furious franchise can be rebooted, as the Fast and the Emissionless, providing a product placement opportunity for Huffy or Schwinn bicycles. A remake of famed motorcycle gang movie The Wild One could be reshot using Vespas, preferably electric, with the gang swooping into town and monopolizing all the vehicle charging stations with impunity.

In Godfather 4, Don Corleone will be governor of California, making residents an electric vehicle offer they cannot refuse-because of government mandates. Instead of destroying the cult temple, in a re-release of Conan the Barbarian could feature the lead character could recycle the building materials to provide insulation for low-income housing. The next Iron Man movie should be renamed Hemp Man, while the Hulk could have a new tag line, “Hulk smash fossil fuel plants.” Not to leave out the DC universe, Wonder Woman’s invisible plane could rely on biodiesel, Aquaman could be presented as a tidal power tycoon, and Batman’s Batplane can be replaced with a Batglider.

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Toy Story 5 (or is it 6?) will feature Buzz Lightyear shouting, “To Net Zero—and Beyond!” Lego movies will now star wooden blocks and in Star Wars, the Death Star will have to be solar powered, which will have the added benefit of restricting it to destroying one planet every 687 years. A new Jurassic Park movie could feature Sam O’Neill’s paleontologist breeding brachiosaurs to sell their dried dung to the energy impoverished, and in future Predator movies, the monster will always hunt high-consuming individuals (but not celebrities).

And finally, movie theaters should stop serving giant sized soft drinks and poporn servings, but let’s face it, that would really be science fiction.