TikTok Users Are Obsessed With This Manipulative Affection

Topline

Some TikTok users are spreading the word about “love bombing”—a display of excessive affection at the beginning of a relationship that may reveal their partner’s narcissism—though others seem to confuse it with normal, romantic behavior.

The TikTok hashtag #lovebombing has 329 million views. (Photo Illustration by Sheldon Cooper /SOPA … [+] Images/LightRocket via Getty Images)

SOPA Images/LightRocket via Getty Images

Key Facts

Love bombing is taking social media by storm: The TikTok hashtags #lovebombing and #lovebomb have 329 million and 133 million views, respectively.

Most of these viral TikToks feature users sharing stories about being love bombed or offering advice about how to avoid a love bomber.

Reported love bombing behavior includes intense attention or flattery given from a romantic partner in order to manipulate the other, especially early in a relationship, Chitra Raghavan, a psychology professor at John Jay College of Criminal Justice, told The New York Times.

A University of Arkansas study, which surveyed college students in 2017, found higher rates of love-bombing behavior among people that were identified as having narcissistic tendencies and low self-esteem.

The study also found love bombers were more likely to have excessive expectations for constant communication, including through texting, for romantic partners, especially for people who were found to rely on approval from others to determine their self worth.

TikTok user Logan Cohen, who says he is a licensed therapist, posted a video identifying common signs of love bombing: Excessive compliments to the point of causing discomfort, giving gifts to wield more power over a partner, demanding all of a partner’s attention, rushing milestones (like getting engaged) and pressuring a partner into believing they are soulmates.

Some took to TikTok to tell stories about being love bombed: New York-based user Molly Russo garnered 836,000 likes on a video discussing a relationship she had at 19 where on the third day of knowing her, a man from the United Kingdom told her he was falling for her and would break up with his current girlfriend, and after just two weeks, she said he was considering applying to colleges near her.

People who have been love bombed may lose their sense of self, and experts say victims should consider therapy and connecting with the activities and people that were important to them before being love bombed.

Contra

Psychologists and therapists agree love bombing is manipulative behavior and lacks sincerity, but some TikTok users have expressed confusion about whether showing attraction to their partner early in a relationship is considered love bombing or not. In a comment on Russo’s video, one user wrote: “I’m scared of accidentally love bombing or being accused of love bombing because I’m unconsciously EXTREMELY affectionate and lovey.” Another user posted a video, which was liked more than 240,000 times, stating she could not tell if her romantic partner was love bombing her after he called her perfect and said he could see a future with her. Others joked that they don’t mind being love bombed because they enjoy affection and attention. “My issue with getting love bombed is it makes sense to me,” one user, whose video was liked more than 650,000 times, said. “You fell in love with me in 2 weeks? I tend to have that effect on people. Quite frankly, you should feel that way.”

Crucial Quote

“Communication is naturally reciprocal. Our instinct is to match the other person’s level or depth of communication, and so love bombers, in an attempt to gain that kind of affection from someone else, express affection, not necessarily very genuinely, but really as a manipulation tactic so that they can feel better about themselves. When they say I love you, and they hear you say, ‘Oh, I love you, too,’ or, ‘You’re so important to me like,’ or, ‘You’re my everything.’ That’s their goal,” Claire Strutzenberg, social sciences researcher who coauthored the University of Arkansas study, said.

Surprising Fact

Some of the first known uses of the term “love bombing” refer to a cult recruitment tactic. The Unification Church, founded in South Korea in 1954 with significant followings in Japan and the United States, reportedly used love bombing to attract members, though it has long denied accusations it is a cult. Defectors say it “brainwashes” members and solicits funds allegedly to enrich its founding family, and in 1978, The Washington Post reported excessive love bombing, including hand holding, intimate eye contact and affectionate group singing, made recruited members feel “needed and cared for.” In a testimony before the Maryland state legislature’s cult task force in 1999, anti-cult educator Ronald Loomis credited the Unification Church with coining “love bombing” and claimed it is a tactic used to recruit college students into cults. Recruiters, Loomis said, would find vulnerable students who seemed alone or sad and try to make the student feel special.

Tangent

Love bombing has been identified in some popular media. Some viewers said The Tinder Swindler, a 2022 documentary about Israeli man Shimon Hayut’s manipulation of women on Tinder, is an example of love bombing. Hayut falsely claimed to these women he was the son of diamond magnate Lev Leviev and would give them lavish gifts, including stays in five-star hotels and flights on private jets, before finally conning them out of money. In another documentary series last year, Secrets of Playboy, Hugh Hefner’s former girlfriend Holly Madison accused Hefner of love bombing her to control her.

TikTok Users Are Obsessed With This Manipulative Affection—Here’s How To Identify It