Hamilton Leithauser’s Raw Account Of His Return To Touring After The Covid Pause

What’s it really been like for musicians to go back out on the road amid the unpredictable domino effect of Covid? Hamilton Leithauser’s raw recounting of his return to the stage, which delivered his first real bout with anxiety, resonates well beyond those who perform for a living.

“It definitely created a level of anxiety for all of us, where I’m not so sure I ever want to go through that situation again,” the singer, songwriter and multi-instrumentalist says of his rescheduled tour with Kevin Morby. “That doesn’t mean I don’t want to tour anymore because I love playing concerts; it’s what I’ve done since I was a kid and I’ll never give that up. But until there’s some new arrangement, I don’t really see myself doing that many concerts at a time because I don’t need that extra off switch that somebody can just flick.”

The switch did in fact get flipped this March when Leithauser—who released his second studio album The Loves of Your Life in spring 2020—staged his fourth residency at New York’s Café Carlyle, an annual event that had been canceled the prior two years.

“On night three half my band got Covid. And they were just gone, and I suddenly had to pull in subs,” he says. “It worked out fine, but I fly all those people into town and we all rehearse and then suddenly one day one guy’s got Covid and the next day another one does and then everything’s over. It’s a financial strain but it’s also like… you’ve spent so much time and energy getting this thing going and then there’s this random thing that happens.”

But well before then Leithauser, who spent much of lockdown working remotely on his sweeping score for The Last Movie Stars, his pal Ethan Hawke’s docuseries about Paul Newman and Joanne Woodward that recently debuted on HBO, had been navigating a slippery slope after the pandemic sidelined 50 tour dates.

“I took a lot of time off and then my record was released. And so when we came back last fall, when you’re suddenly talking to people again, those initial interactions, you’re a little awkward,” he says.

“And also you don’t know, Are you supposed to wear a mask, and for how long? We were all masked up and we were really careful, but that also creates an extra barrier between you and everybody else, especially when you’re trying to pack as many people as you can into a room.”

Like so many artists, Leithauser’s elation at the prospect of getting back on stage overshadowed all doubts the return would be anything but smooth.

“I was really excited to do it because it’s always in my blood to go out and play and when I don’t I find it weird,” he says. “But I don’t think I thought it through enough before I came back. I hadn’t done it in so long and it really was kind of a funny moment to be standing in front of all these people and feel like I really didn’t know what I was doing.”

Not to mention, time-proven touring logistics suddenly looked different. “I hadn’t put two and two together. We had this big tour, where we had a big bus and there were like 11 of us living on the bus, and I hadn’t fully thought through the fact that if at any second one person tested positive we likely would all test positive and this whole thing would be over,” he says.

Despite maintaining a strict policy around socializing outside of the band, “You get to a place like Los Angeles or New York and all your friends are there and they all want to say hi,” he says. “So we had to have to all spaced out and outside.”

Leithauser’s first dose of reality came knocking early on. “The night before the opening show we were doing rehearsals in Richmond, Virginia, and Kevin said his girlfriend, who plays with Waxahatchee, had just told him her tour drummer had just tested positive and the whole tour had just been canceled that day,” he recalls.

“And that was when we both sort of sat there and realized… we’re about to do seven weeks. That was the first time it hit me. Up until that point we just sort of both assumed we were good to go. Which was so stupid and naïve, but we did.”

The day-to-day uncertainty started messing with his head. “I’ve never had anxiety before. I didn’t know what it was, but I developed an overwhelming anxiety that can’t be quenched with beer or something like that,” he says.

“When you’re on tour it’s not a very healthy place. There are a lot of late nights. Anyone who ever has been on tour can tell you, you run the first three days and then you stop running and you start sitting around with the band. It doesn’t matter who you are, you’re just sitting around and you’re waiting, 23 hours a day.”

Now, on the other side of the experience, Leithauser is spending some time examining his priorities.

“I don’t know where it goes from here. I just don’t have an answer, and that’s what’s worrisome. If there’s another Covid outbreak I don’t want to put myself in that situation again. But then again, it’s what I do. It’s what I love to do. I’m kind-of at a loss.”

• For more from Leithauser on related topics including performance anxiety and coping with grief, check out his episode of Beyond the Prescription, a podcast hosted by Dr. Lucy McBride.

Hollywood & Mind is a recurring column that lives at the intersection of entertainment and wellbeing, and features interviews with musicians, actors, athletes and other culture influencers who are amplifying conversation and action around mental health.