Financial Infidelity? Your Advisor Might Catch You

Trust is the foundation of successful marriages. But that doesn’t mean couples are always completely honest with each other. Financial infidelity is a risk.

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When it comes to money, secrecy can supplant honesty. A spouse might hide funds or lie about saving or spending habits.

Advisors are well aware of the role that money can play in rupturing relationships. Part of their job is counseling client couples that do not level with each other about how they manage cash.

Watch Out For Financial Infidelity

Lying over money can cause once-happy couples to bicker and question the future of their relationship. In industry parlance, this is called financial infidelity.

On the surface, spouses may appear to get along well and exhibit an easy rapport with each other. That makes it tough for even the most attentive advisors to detect financial infidelity between couples.

“It’s not something advisors are trained to look for,” said Geeta Brana, an advisor at Geeta Brana Wealth in Holmdel, N.J. “It’s hard for us to know what clients are doing on the side. We rely on information that they give to us.”

For example, advisors may lack access to each spouse’s credit card statements. And they may not know about every household account or get a complete picture of a couple’s assets.

While there’s no surefire way to spot financial infidelity when first meeting a couple, Brana says there are red flags. During the onboarding process, advisors usually request that new clients provide copies of all of their account statements from financial services companies.

Clients may withhold certain account statements, Brana says. A spouse might claim that some accounts predate the marriage or aren’t relevant to the scope of financial planning services that they need.

Three Questions To Unearth Toxic Money Lies

Brana says that financial infidelity comes in many forms. White lies about how much a spouse spent on holiday gifts are not too worrisome. And overstating the returns on a spouse’s modest “fun money” stock-buying fund isn’t a major problem.

But more serious lies can beget more serious consequences.

“Some types of financial infidelity can be very benign,” she said. “Others are toxic.”

She lists three questions that help advisors determine if a client’s financial infidelity qualifies as toxic. First, is it done with malicious intent? Secondly, is there psychological or physical abuse? And lastly, is it tied to an addiction, such as gambling or compulsive shopping?

Malicious intent is common, Brana says. Typically, a spouse funnels some of the couple’s income into a separate, secret account. To make matters worse, this spouse might pressure their mate to spend less, get a job or work more overtime to bring in extra money.

The purpose of the abuse might be “to exert power and control” over the other spouse, she added. It can intensify over time and create an untenable situation.

Beware Of Legal Issues With Financial Infidelity

As advisors get to know their clients, warning signs can emerge that point to some type of financial infidelity. It helps to establish a baseline in noticing how couples relate to each other most of the time — and when their behavior veers wildly from the norm.

In some cases, a normally forthright spouse might turn defensive when the advisor asks about household finances or spending patterns. A genial, talkative spouse who becomes terse and no longer makes eye contact when discussing expenditures might be hiding something.

If advisors suspect financial infidelity, they must tread gently. Financial planners who work with couples have a responsibility to serve both spouses.

Legal issues can arise. A spouse might be responsible for any debt that the other spouse incurs. And when they sign their joint tax return, they are typically on the hook for any tax liability if the other spouse engaged in deception by, say, claiming false deductions.

Don’t Point Fingers

Rather than accuse a spouse of financial infidelity, Brana suggests that an advisor adopt a tactful, inquisitive approach with the couple. Example: “I see something a little bit odd. Can you help explain this, please?”

Another way advisors can help is to offer tips to reduce deception within the marriage. For instance, they can suggest that couples sign up for U.S. Postal Service Informed Delivery, a free service that previews all incoming mail. In addition to tracking mail deliveries, it also prevents a spouse from racing to the mailbox each day to nab statements from secret accounts.

Brana recommends that couples hold monthly “money dates” in which they discuss the role of money in their relationship. They can kick off their conversation by asking each other, “How can we make our money work for us?”

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