Don’t Watch ‘Blonde’ On Netflix If You Like Marilyn Monroe Or Ana de Armas

After a brief theatrical tour, Blonde has now hit Netflix, the NC-17 look at the life of Marilyn Monroe that has been panned by critics and shunned by audiences alike. I wanted to make my own judgement, but after a nearly three hour viewing yesterday, I see what all the un-hype is about. It’s an excruciating feature in more ways than one. I cannot recommend it to anyone, much less fans of either Marilyn herself, or the actress playing her, Ana de Armas.

This article will contain graphic language describing events in the film.

First, the good. Ana de Armas is stunning, hypnotic even as Marilyn, at least in terms of her appearance. The way the film is shot is gorgeous, like bringing glossy, historical photos to life in nearly every frame. And yet, this is the only way the film is beautiful, as the rest of it is…extremely ugly.

The movie that I kept thinking of when I watched this was The Passion of the Christ, just pure, non-stop brutality meant to show the sacrifice of Jesus Christ, but ultimately it all felt just kind of weird and gross and like the filmmaker was getting off on the awfulness onscreen. The same is true for Blonde, where under the guise of “telling Marilyn’s story,” the film is nearly three hours of her being gaslit, talked down to and more disturbingly, physically and sexually abused for practically the entire duration.

Her mentally unstable mother nearly murders her as a child. Her big break into the acting industry later is being raped by a studio president. Her threesome relationship with two men ends in them trying to blackmail her first husband, Joe DiMaggio, who physically abuses her. JFK summons her for sex like a call girl and according to this film at least, has her abducted and forcibly aborts a child she’s carrying of his, the second forced abortion we see her get in the film, in addition to a miscarriage.

It’s all just…incredibly bleak, and this feels less like a truth-telling mission to vindicate Marilyn but more like vomiting up all her trauma onscreen doing further damage to her even after she’s dead. And the film clearly went for the NC-17 for publicity reasons alone. As for why it’s rated that, while de Armas is frequently topless, that’s not the reason. Rather, there’s one brief flash of a penis during a rape flashback, and then an absurd two minute sequence where Marilyn is giving JFK oral sex. It’s obviously not really happening, but it’s about as graphic as you can make it in pantomime. Both scenes are unnecessary and easily could be been cut.

The other issue here is Ana de Armas herself. Believe me, I love de Armas in essentially everything I’ve ever seen her in, ever since she first terrorized Keanu Reeves in Knock, Knock, and now she’s rightly risen to the A-list. But while she looks the part, and can expresses terror and grief well, her very pronounced Spanish accent keeps slipping into Marilyn’s speech essentially every single scene. While this wouldn’t matter in any other movie, and has not in de Armas’ past work, here when she’s playing a very specific, real-life person, it’s distracting, and between her performance and the nonstop brutality, I kept wishing I had just rewatched My Week With Marilyn instead, a non-horrifying look at the tragedy of Marilyn Monroe with a better portrayal by Michelle Williams.

This film is gross. I’m not sure how else to say it. It does not feel like a tribute to Monroe but instead further exploitation of the abuses she suffered. And on top of that, it’s just not a very good movie, outside of its cinematography and I suppose hair and makeup work. The concept of a risqué, artsy Marilyn feature starring de Armas may sound appealing on paper and in trailers, but trust me, no, just avoid it.

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