How To Fix Quidditch, Harry Potter’s Extremely Silly Sport

When I learned that video game Hogwarts Legacy wasn’t going to have Quidditch, I thought it was both a little odd in terms of omissions but also totally fine, because Quidditch is a very stupid sport and one of the silliest things about Harry Potter.

People disagree with author J.K. Rowling over a lot of things, but Quidditch is probably the worst idea she ever had. There, that’s your controversial hot-take for the day. Enjoy it with a side of irony.

There’s news about Quidditch, of course, and not the IRL Quidditch that people actually play in real life, and has been named Quadball in an effort to distance the “sport” from Rowling.

Yes, people actually run around on brooms throwing a ball through hoops. And I don’t mean to mock these people—I would never mock Wizarding World cosplayers!—but as bad as Quidditch is in the fiction of Harry Potter, at least they get to fly!

That’s all beside the point. The point is, flying or not flying, Quidditch is terrible and I have absolutely zero faith that the recently announced Quidditch mobile game, Harry Potter: Quidditch Champions, will disabuse me of this belief.

Why is it terrible? How could a sport where you fly around on brooms be so bad? I have one word for you:

The Golden Snitch.

(Yes, yes I know that’s three words. Be quiet).

The Snitch ruins Quidditch. It’s an absolutely pointless game mechanic that’s only in the books to make Harry look good. Oh, Harry, you’re so fast on that broom, you were able to catch the Snitch before that mean old Slytherin! You won the game singlehandedly, Harry Potter, gosh gee aren’t you just the bees knees!

The way Severus Snape looks at Harry—that’s how I’m looking at you, Quidditch. Disdain served black with a few scoops of scorn.

Not only is this a rather garish way to make your protagonist look good, it makes the rest of the game totally irrelevant. Who cares about the quaffle? Why even bother with goalies and beaters and all the other Seussian bits and bobbles that comprise a Quidditch match? Just have two seekers chase a Snitch around until one of them catches it and call it a day. That’s all Quidditch really is. The rest is window-dressing.

Imagine if this is how soccer—er, football—worked! Two teams kicking that ball across that massive grassy field, running back and forth for hours, scoring maybe three goals the whole time, when suddenly 90 minutes into the game the bloody Seeker snags the stupid Snitch and the whole thing is over just like that. All that hard work for nothing! How’s that for team morale?

So the fix.

This fix is simple.

Kill the Snitch.

Cut it out entirely. Excise it. Make the Seeker the equivalent of a point guard. They’d play out front. They’re the fastest and best at lobbing the Quaffle through the Whatsit-thingy. Natural leader and all that. Harry could still be Very Good At Brooming. He could still Score The Winning Point. And we could all enjoy a fictional wizarding sport that actually makes sense.

Some of us more than others, obviously, as Quadball has shown.