The Craziest Airline News Of The Week, Only One U.S. Airline?

The U.S. airline industry is an endless source of content. Just a few months can change things, as players in the industry make bold moves, some airlines grow, and others even fail. The industry has always featured some bigger-than-life characters, and they too have created a continuous stream of headlines for those who care about the industry and travel.

But nothing could compare with this week! If airlines follow through with these announcements, consumer fares could go up or down and service could get better or worse. Here are five big stories that rocked the industry:

United Orders Orion III, Scott Kirby Plans Flights To The Moon By End Of The Year

United Airlines CEO Scott Kirby announced today the purchase of Orion III, an iconic spaceplane from the movie 2001: A Space Odyssey. With the craft, United plans daily trips to the moon from its hub in Chicago. Kirby added, “We’ll also consider flying from New York if we ever decide to return to JFK airport.” The flight is expected to take two days, questioning how United could have daily flights if they buy only one Orion III. They plan to keep the Pan Am logo on the plane, in honor of their overpayment for many of Pan Am’s routes.

The fights will also feature new partnership with Google, who will provide the AI support for an updated version of the HAL computer. HAL will discipline unruly guests on the trip, and anyone who complains about the food after the first day of the trip. United is counting on NASA to have a moon base ready to receive the flights, and PR head Josh Earnest stated, “We are working in collaboration with the administration and feel good about their progress in this area.”

In a bummer for budget travelers, United failed to confirm that Basic Economy Fares will be available for the moon flights. This would leave most needing to pay the planned $56,789.26 one-way fare, except United crew of course who will fly for free.

Department Of Transportation To Shutter Consumer Advocacy Group

The consumer advocacy division of Department of Transportation (DOT) has protected airline consumers with policies and regulations aimed at fairness and transparency. But, apparently no one told the DOT that the industry was deregulated in 1978. DOT Secretary Pete Buttigieg said, “I wasn’t even born until four years after this supposed law. How was I supposed to know? I think this is Republican chicanery.”

In reviewing what he believes to be the language of the law, Buttigieg conceded that this part of agency should have died with the Civil Aeronautics Board. He added, “Social media does a better and more real-time job than we ever could, and gives consumers the voice they need in this market place. We will continue our role of making sure that the limited assets of our aviation infrastructure stay in the fewest hands.”

Delta Makes Bid To Buy Every Other U.S. Airline

Delta Airlines, the most profitable U.S. airline for a number of years now, has made a bold bid to buy every other part 121 U.S.airline. Citing their success in Atlanta, Detroit, and Minneapolis, CEO Ed Bastian said, “We realized how profitable monopolies could be, so why not own everything and charge whatever we want?”

Delta has defied convention in the past, buying an oil refinery and spending actual cash to buy 49% of Virgin Atlantic. President Glen Hauenstein is particularly excited about the low prices of the rest of the industry since the Covid pandemic. He enthusiastically stated that, “We think we can buy everyone else today for about what we paid for Northwest in 2008.”

When questioned about political support support to make one giant airline in the U.S., Delta reminded everyone how easy it would be to manage with just one airline. They mentioned family seating, for example. “We could fix this issue with the stroke of a pen,” said Bastian. The also cited efficiency in their lobby efforts, planning to disband Airlines for America (A4A) and replacing it with a much smaller D4A.

Frontier To Add Sustainable Fuel Fee Even Before Using SAF, Aiming For $150 Ancillary Revenue Per Passenger

Frontier Airlines, already a world leader in collecting ancillary revenue at over $80 per passenger, has set an aggressive goal to increase this to $150 by the end of 2023. An important piece of this initiative is a new sustainable aviation fuel (SAF) fee to be added to each ticket starting this summer. Starting at $75 per ticket, CEO Barry Biffle said, “Our customers tell us that they want us to be green, and we are committed to them. While not enough SAF is being produced even for our little airline, someone told me that it is more expensive than what we burn today so I need to start planning for that.”

Frontier is pairing this initiative with a new marketing campaign, focused on their sustainable future vision. It features lines like “You can fly United and kill a dolphin, or fly Frontier and save the planet.” Frontier added that their current fares are so low, even with the $75 new fee they expect to be cheaper than Southwest. In a hot mic moment, a spokesperson said that Frontier had no plans to actually buy any SAF for at least the next decade.

Breeze And Avelo To Shut Down, Saying “No One Wants Any More Airlines”

David Neelman, founder of many airlines and current CEO of Breeze Airways, held an unusual joint news conference with Andrew Levy, founder and CEO of Avelo Airlines. “As the two newest airlines in the U.S., we have realized that no wants us, or any airline, actually,” they said in a joint statement. Critics of the plan have said this is because the new airline could not find any new profitable routes to enter, but the CEOs disputed that. “We are convinced that there is pent-up demand for service on routes like Elmira, NY to Savannah, Georgia. No one has flown this nonstop before and we were exploiting this,” said Neelman. Levy added “but the customer feedback was strong and unequivocal. They hate airlines and want all of us to go away, so we believe we are the start of a trend.”

Some pundits are concerned about the closures, saying “If we lose a 0.01% share set of airlines, what does it mean for competition?” Delta’s share rose on the news as their price to buy the industry dropped by a few bucks.

April Fools! (All stories are fake, of course.)